I just got back from the dog park where my dog, Dee Dee accosted every older longhaired dog she sniffed because she thinks it’s funny. I, on the other hand have become that dog owner which sucks because I always want people to like me and the inflection is wrong for me to assume that that’s what they mean by that dog owner. Meanwhile Dee Dee doesn’t understand when I try to explain to her that hysterical barking and nipping at furry asses will make neither of us very popular at the dog park. And isn’t that what all of us want at the dog park? Popularity?

But that’s the thing about dogs, they have the mental capacity of a toddler who never grows up. They can understand 6-10 phrases but quickly master “treat,” “walk,” and “do you want…” They have a harder time with, “stay,” “don’t hump the house guest,” and “stop trying to eat the cat.” Like a two year old they require a lot of attention, a lot of stimulation and a lot of toys (except they prefer ten dollar nylon bones flavored with “chicken” that smells like vomit.) So how on Earth can you and your partner explain to this, frankly, wild beast that it is freaking you out to be licked on your exposed leg while you and your guy are, well, compromised? The fact is you can’t.

Bringing a dog into a cohabitation may not seem like such a big deal, after all, no one had to nurse anything (I hope). However, acquiring an animal—as opposed to one of you already having one before you move in together—are two very different things. If one of you has a dog or cat going into it, you’ve gotten to explore the whole can’t-get-enough-of-each-other-while-kicking-the-animal-off-the-bed, literally, foot into butt onto the floor mid-sex. Before you are focused on figuring out whose turn it is to start the fight about doing the dishes, you have already learned how to cope with the world’s cutest head in your lap waiting for you to drop a piece of burger onto a waiting tongue. Before you are in each others faces about who does or does not know how to operate a vaccum, a pet hair plan is likely already in place. But if you get your pet once the cohabitation has begun, you have just doubled your adjustment factor—if not quadrupled…(For the bleacher seats: Animals have four legs. Get it?)

The issue of bringing new pets into new cohabitations came up recently when we had a group of people over for pizza and Celebrity. Two of them were a newly cohabitating couple and were asking Aaron and I about Dee Dee (who was sitting squarely in one of their laps intermittently licking her butt and their face) and how it went when we got her. The woman explained that she had little experience with dogs and that she expected her guy to take the lead in caretaking. He, on the other hand felt like they were ready to get the animal but would need to share the responsibility 50/50.

Let me just say this. I was not about to get a dog until Aaron moved in.  The same went for having a car or even considering the possibility of owning property. This is far more commitmentphobic than it is anti-feminist or even being a good planner. The truth is, having a partner takes the pressure off. What if I decide that I need to jet off to Uzbekastan at a moment's notice? What if I don't want to touch the tennis ball she just peed on, then passed to another dog to pee on then peed on it again? A partner is a built in back up plan. But part of the plan requires that they want the pet as much as you do. This is why I recommend and encourage taking your time and shopping for the right one. Even if you go into it pretty sure you want it more than your partner, I can guarentee that all bets are off when your guy imagines himself on the beach with his own furry BFF indulging him in the best game of frisbee ever, for hours, or when your girl sees the little beagle that resembles her first stuffed animal, except this one is alive and will be warm to cuddle with during a rainy afternoon nap. Not to mention, we're in a recession and visiting nearby towns to walk through shelters looking for a droopy-eyed buddy to rescue is free. There is the emotional cost of shelters-- they are vaguely depressing-- so I recommend planning a secondary post-shelter activity like going for a swim in a nearby lake, having a picnic, or going garage sale shopping. Also, bring twenty-bucks or whatever you can afford to leave behind with the shelter staff. It will make leaving “Joe” the sweet-as-punch Rottweiler with kennel cough behind a little easier, even if it was the medication that made him sweet-as-punch. If you approach the whole thing correctly, pet hunting can be a great way to spend a few weekends with your partner.

Of  course, inevitably you will wonder about the fact that sharing a pet is an additional shared responsibility that, like buying a sofa together will inextricably bind you and your partner together even more. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your relationship. If you are living together because it is financially viable and not necessarily a love for the ages, you might want to take a minute and decide who will take the pet when the relationship ends. If one of you wants it more, the decision might be an easy one. If both of you want the pet equally be prepared for a shared custody plan. If you go in agreeing that you will both remain in the pets' life for the duration and if one of you moves away the other gets it by default, it can definitely work out. As I’ve said before, just have a plan in place. No one likes to talk about endings, but when you are dealing with things to whom you cannot explain the concept “it wasn’t your fault that mommy and daddy fell out of love,” you have to be logical. If, on the other hand, you are in a stable relationship and by moving in together you realize you are ready to try out your parenting skills on something furry and slobbery, by all means, visit your nearest ASPCA and choose your pet.

But don’t fool yourself. While in many ways Dee Dee brought Aaron and I closer together than ever (we cannot believe how much we love this creature, bad breath and all), every four AM when she crawls up from her doggy bed and wedges between us, inevitably steeling all the covers and most of the space, we are again reminded that this cute little dog also has the power to push us apart. You have been warned.

 Dee Dee's first day at home. Who looks the most freaked out?